I know that even if you were to read this, your out-sized ego will prevent you from understanding that this isn’t just the ravings of an angry writer/comedian, but instead how literally every American feels. Wait, let me take that back. There are in fact some people stupid enough to actually vote for you. I call them the Herman Cain Wing of the Republican Party. You have to be either monumentally dumb or insanely apathetic about our country to put someone like you or Herman Cain in charge.
You just can’t shut up about the “birth certificate” can you? Over the weekend ABC’s Jonathan Karl gave you every opportunity to recant your past jaunts into racism and instead you just dug deeper. “Was there a birth certificate? You tell me. Some people say that was not his birth certificate. I’m saying I don’t know. Nobody knows.” I tell you what, Donald. You produce your original, long-form toupee maker’s invoice, and we’ll rustle up that Kenyan birth certificate you seem to think is hiding out there in there the ether somewhere. Deal?
You’re an opportunistic slug who lucked into his fortune by way of whose biological detritus from whence you came. Had you been born into the working class I have no doubt you’d be just another weird, bitter old white guy. You know how I know this? You won’t drop the Birther bullshit. Put that down as one more huge clue about life you still haven’t gotten. You’re awfully good at self-promotion, but other than that you are clearly as clueless as any of the ridiculous cast of morons the GOP trotted out last year. Oh wait, that’s right, you were one of them for a brief moment. Did you not learn the lesson the first time you were embarrassingly drummed out of the election once people realized, “Oh yeah, he’s just a toupee’d, loud-mouthed, racist, Plutocrat”?
Clearly not. Then again, someone who has bankrupted their own companies four times may not be the best example of “learning from your past mistakes,” right Donald? Oh, I forgot, you don’t even like to fess-up to those abysmal failures, do you? You just chalk it up to “business as usual.” But I wonder, how many of your paid employees would be able to just re-shuffle their debt that’s piled up as they tried to navigate the middle class? Don’t answer that Mr. Trump, we all know the answer.
You have to know that you stand even less of a chance of being elected than the epic tandem of dumbassery known as Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. At least those two worthless sacks of human material have somehow managed to make themselves look just smart enough to be elected once or twice in their careers. No one has ever willingly selected you to do anything except represent yourself as orangutan with a fat wallet. To put it bluntly — not that many people actually like you Mr. Trump.
Believe it not, you actually do have to be somewhat likable to win a presidential election. Contrary to what some on the right may be saying right now, the problem hasn’t been that Republicans haven’t nominated a true conservative in a long time, it’s that they haven’t nominated someone that the electorate really likes. They’ve been counting on the hatred of the Democratic president or nominee to carry them, but as it turns out the electorate isn’t falling for it. Sure, there are any number of complaints you could make about the Democrats in Congress. They are after all one-half of the most useless gaggle of dipshits in a long, long time to sit on the Hill. But for the last twenty years, America’s demographics have been shifting in such a way that the policies the GOP stands for just make them look old, angry, bitter and scared.